Internet dating doh

Internet dating doh!

I once swapped sonnets via email with a gorgeous looking PHD vet (sorry I love smart girls), we decided to meet at the pub (bar ) and so I wandered in and saw the girl . I was really excited and that is a hard thing to manage for a hard bitten cynic likes me. (not really)

Anyway she was at least 20 kgs heavier than her photo and strangely different in personality. I love a drink but it’s rare for me to get to wasted an being polite and still hoping I would make a nice friend out he encounter. When I sit down it becomes obvious she’s been drinking for a few hours and there is that strange acrid stale smell of alcohol.

Ever polite I figure it aint looking good I decide to have one or two politely depart. So I announce my impending departure and excuse myself to the bathroom. Well when I got back there was a fresh glass of wine sitting on the table that she’s insisting I should drink.

So I figure why not and start drinking my 3rd, to be tricked again when she buys yet another while I am on the phone.

So I figure I gotta get out of here and she decides shes going to walk me to my car and  figuring it can be to bad we wander off toward my wheels.

As we leave the bar the worlds mangiest dog runs straight across in traffic. She heads off in hot pursuit screaming across the traffic that I should help her. I am not sure why I didn’t run then but you kind of think well the dog is going to get hurt so I run after the dog as well. Now I would normally never participate in such things but we finally corner the dog and da vet tells me to grab it by the collar while she ties a rope to it.

Well its not hard to guess what happens next the dog was obviously descended from Cujo and it bit my hand. Now we had all the elements, an amorous size 18 drunken Danish vet ,  who seeing the dog attack me completely forgets about the dog and wants to tend my wounds.

I make an excuse about an appointment and decide that I need to go and start walking briskly to my car. She follows insisting that she wants to look after me. Now I am ashamed to say but as we walked more briskly and more briskly and more briskly I start calculating how much distance I can put between me and her if I start running, slowly at first then as we gather some pace I panic and start running as fast as I can.

But so does she? And starts talking about how much she likes me as we sprint through the backstreets of Newtown. Now we have all had those pleading conversations before but I had previously experienced them in High School and definitely not at a sprint.

“I thought we really got on and your not giving me a chance”

“Your never going to find a woman if you don’t get to know her first”

“I really like you I want to get to know you better”

To add to this the dog has joined the chase but Ive managed to put 20 meters between me and her (and the dog)

I jump in the car and lock the doors.

She then sits on my bonnet and trys to talk to me through the windscreen.

At that point I was kind of stuck, do I drive off with her on the bonnet and risk her an injury or do I stay put. Well I stayed put for 10-15 minutes and tried talking some sense to her through the windscreen but eventually concluded that if I gently tried to drive away she might hop off.

She did get off when she turned angry and started threatening damage to the car but I managed to get away. She turned up at work the next day with a bunch of flowers .

It was good insight I guess into what girls go through when they are being stalked, 20 phone calls , texts and emails later she eventually disappeared.

The next week I went out with an animal liberationist and that went wonderfully until I ordered an egg sandwich.